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Our "New" U.S. Constitution
A new, more sensible government. A Bill of NO RIGHTS for ALL!

Unless you are living inside a refrigirator box under a bridge between Fargo North Dakota and Moorehead Minnesota you know who Paris Hilton is?

Of course, you are going to say; what the hell is the star of FOX's the Simple Life and a couple of porn internet flicks have to do with the U.S. Constitution? Everything!!!

Let me give you the skinny. I am not trying to imply that Ms. Hilton is the reason why we need a new Constitution, but knowing who she is and we she represents, it helps me illustrate my case. So, seat back, get your Starbucks and enjoy the changes ahead.

Here is our New Constitution:

"We, the sensible people of the United States of America, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. No one! That means Kenneth Lay too.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be... and like the rest of us, you need to simply deal with it. As the 90's glam band Extreme said once: Get the Funk Out!

ARTICLE III: (I like this one!) You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. Anybody who has sued McDonalds for hot coffee included.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. We will not Super-Size them either!

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. Why should I be forced to pay for your anal infection, just because you decided to play with somebody's sausage.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair. Eye for an eye! Aye, aye captain!

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV, pool tables, weight rooms or a life of leisure. Martha Stewart included.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of part time jobs, education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. This only should apply to U. S. Citizens only, of course!

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness --which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the "Bill of Rights".

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from. We welcome you here. English is our language and like the one you left behind, we also have a culture. Learn it or go back to the country and the living conditions you were fleeing. If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't... I just think it's about freakin' time common sense is allowed to flourish -- just call it "The Age of Reason Revisited."

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